The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines vulnerable as ‘capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage’. Understandably, many of us work hard to avoid being vulnerable. Why would you want to leave yourself open to being wounded or attacked? Clients will choose to make themselves vulnerable if they believe that the rewards are … Read more
Hopefully, your clients are familiar with the notion that when we act on our self-protective impulses, we invariably behave in ways that are damaging to our relationship. That’s why in the DM we call these “ineffective self-protective behaviours”. We all have them and will do them reflexively when feeling threatened in some way. When I … Read more
I was talking with a colleague about how cut off from their feelings we train our boys to be. She was talking about a woman who, in session, told her male partner “I don’t want a sissy” when he was being vulnerable. In childhood, many boys will have the experience that if they show emotions … Read more
In our culture, many people, especially those raised male, have been given little training in making sense of or talking about their internal experience. Indeed, many were actively punished for showing emotions or expressing uncertainty, doubt etc. Shamed for their normal, human vulnerabilities they have understandably developed an aversion to talking about their feelings and … Read more
The Developmental Model outlines 5 stages that people grow through in the course of a long-term relationship The secong of these stages is “Differentiating” and this is the place that so many of our clients are stuck at. They cling on, unconsciously but desperately, to the fantasy of fusion, of “the two becoming one”, and … Read more
HELPING CLIENTS MAKE THE MOST OF COUPLE TIME Like a business or a garden or a vintage car, relationships need constant maintenance; frequent and consistent attending to. If your clients are not attending to their relationship by investing time and effort in it, they can’t expect it to work well. Even if your clients are … Read more
SUPPORTING TRANSFORMATION FROM A SILENT DANCE TO AN HONEST ASK Experienced couple therapists know that “communication problems” are almost never the real problem. Formulating within the Developmental Model allows us to identify where each partner is held up in their relational development. People who say “we can’t communicate” are often holding onto lifelong symbiotic fantasies … Read more
In talking with clients, have you ever noticed people describing their partner (or themselves) as “needy” or “demanding”? They complain about pressure for (or a lack of) affection, sex, attention, talk etc. Yet our culture idealises the notion of needing your partner. “I need you” is generally offered up in a movie or book as the … Read more
At the end of one of his presentations at the Couples Conference in Manhattan Beach, California last month, Pete Pearson literally performed a magic trick turning a business card into a flower. But far more impressive was when he showed us how to use “four little words” to transform almost any hostile statement into something that … Read more
There is a common experience all therapists encounter, no matter the sexual orientation or gender of the person or couple: A person describing their partner (or themselves) as “needy” or demanding. They complain about pressure for (or a lack of) affection, sex, attention, talk etc. Yet our culture idealises the notion of needing your partner. “I need … Read more