When you take a history, especially when you enquire into someone’s childhood experiences, it’s important not to get too caught up in the events. As therapists, we are not so much interested in what happened but in what meaning the person, the child, made of the events. Imagine your client says, “Mum was very strict, … Read more
We all have blind spots, and, for some of us, one of our blind spots is the inability to acknowledge having blind spots. In my spiel in the first session explaining to my clients what therapy is going to be like, I sometimes say something like this: “All therapy, whether individual or couple therapy, is … Read more
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines vulnerable as ‘capable of being physically or emotionally wounded; open to attack or damage’. Understandably, many of us work hard to avoid being vulnerable. Why would you want to leave yourself open to being wounded or attacked? Clients will choose to make themselves vulnerable if they believe that the rewards are … Read more
Hopefully, your clients are familiar with the notion that when we act on our self-protective impulses, we invariably behave in ways that are damaging to our relationship. That’s why in the DM we call these “ineffective self-protective behaviours”. We all have them and will do them reflexively when feeling threatened in some way. When I … Read more
In the current climate there are few divisions as sharp as between those who believe vaccination is the only hope for humanity and those who are more concerned about the health risks that vaccination itself poses. SO what happens in a relationship when people are in opposing camps? I recently worked with a hetero couple … Read more
In our culture, many people, especially those raised male, have been given little training in making sense of or talking about their internal experience. Indeed, many were actively punished for showing emotions or expressing uncertainty, doubt etc. Shamed for their normal, human vulnerabilities they have understandably developed an aversion to talking about their feelings and … Read more
The Developmental Model outlines 5 stages that people grow through in the course of a long-term relationship The secong of these stages is “Differentiating” and this is the place that so many of our clients are stuck at. They cling on, unconsciously but desperately, to the fantasy of fusion, of “the two becoming one”, and … Read more
HELPING CLIENTS MAKE THE MOST OF COUPLE TIME Like a business or a garden or a vintage car, relationships need constant maintenance; frequent and consistent attending to. If your clients are not attending to their relationship by investing time and effort in it, they can’t expect it to work well. Even if your clients are … Read more
SUPPORTING TRANSFORMATION FROM A SILENT DANCE TO AN HONEST ASK Experienced couple therapists know that “communication problems” are almost never the real problem. Formulating within the Developmental Model allows us to identify where each partner is held up in their relational development. People who say “we can’t communicate” are often holding onto lifelong symbiotic fantasies … Read more
In talking with clients, have you ever noticed people describing their partner (or themselves) as “needy” or “demanding”? They complain about pressure for (or a lack of) affection, sex, attention, talk etc. Yet our culture idealises the notion of needing your partner. “I need you” is generally offered up in a movie or book as the … Read more